I used to have this thing once, I think I can remember the word... hmm, oh there it goes! It was called motivation. That silly little four syllable word. It went very well with that other word, that I have a lot of... three syllables.... mmm... starts with an "A"... derrr... AMBITION--aha!
Yes, yes. What is either without the other? What is having drive without being driven, or driving--or just moving?? Just an idle entity with endless thoughts, that never manifest.
There's a fine line between desiring personal achievement and actually executing it. I get lost in the very middle. It took me some time to decide which of my quirky little artistic abilities I wanted to hone in on and actually dedicate myself to. Once I realized which ones meant the most to me, it should've been easy from there, right? Well, maybe not
easy, but definitely should've set me on the right track. But ya see, I ping pong. I'll begin a novel and when I hit a wall, I'll bounce over to painting. Then once that painting is complete, I'll pick up my vocal training again. Then once I've nailed a song to my liking, I'll want to learn a new dance choreography. Once that whole bit is done, maybe I've gotten some new material and will want to either A) Finish a script I started or B) Create an entire new script. All the while--completely forgetting,
consciously or subconsciously, about my original goal--which was to complete my novel.
Or anything I begin, for that matter...
It's a slippery slope and that good friend of mine, Mr. Five Syllable Word; procrastination--has kept me nice and toasty for some time. "I'll do it tomorrow", should be tattooed on my goddamn forehead.
And just like the sign in the bar that reads; "Free beer tomorrow"... tomorrow is never today. And tomorrow continues to be tomorrow, for---::looks at watch-less wrist::---years now. I suppose the lack of help from my friends & peers doesn't exactly light a fire under my ass, and it's an excuse I've been cosying up with for quite some time. I can't put the blame on my fellow unmotivated pals, though, completing a project would be eons faster and more entertaining with others who actually gave a damn. But it's gotta start within me. If I give a damn, I'll put the effort into finding others that give a damn. And dammit, that's what I need to do.
One thing, turning my scary age has taught me, is to just get up and go.* Get up and do. And as I ascend to a point in my life that makes me extremely happy, I'm finding inspiration and motivation coming easier. Almost as if, once I stopped focusing on how unfocused I was, I zeroed in on 'doing' and that has raised my stock immensely.**
One of these days*** I'm going to go back over all of my 20 years of writing. I'm going to edit it, I'm going to most importantly, finish it and I'm going to begin submitting again. I remember having such a thrill when competing and/or mailing my little words to Anthologies! Then the rush of winning, or making top 10, or being published and seeing your brainchild printed on pages you didn't print. :)
The feeling of hoping that your words inspire or help someone. Then follows the feeling of not just hoping that your words inspire, but knowing that they do.
I miss that.
*Then again, no other age has ever stopped me before.
**Just need to get that punctuation, run-on sentence & basic full mechanics of writing back down. I'm ten years out of class. And barely attended then. Damn... so that means I'm roughly 13 years out. Tisk, tisk. I need to take a fucking english course again. hahah! Ahhh, rambling.. ramble, rambles. They call me Mr. Bo-Rambles.
***Oh, here we go again...
