Clefs

I have been filled with uncertainty for quite some time. But I feel as if that will change in the near future. It's all happening...

..slowly, but, still transpiring. 

I just can't wait to get my life started already. These mindless nights are growing old on me, even though I yearn for them, but I'm thinking that maybe I just yearn for something else. 

The absence of love is killing me. And here I am just twitterpated for someone that doesn't exist. Where is he & why is it taking us so long to find each other??

William Bouguereau

The picture you see to the left has inspired me to type on a bit, about the amazing wonder and elation that spring brings every year. The new beginnings, everything waking back up and blooming. Very metaphoric, no?

William Bouguereau was the artist, he painted it in 1895. I admire it so much without really knowing why. Immediately I was just drawn to it.. simply. 

I believe it's due to the fact that this lady is naked, clearly being vulnerable and maybe in an act of passion, or spontaneity removed her clothing. Maybe an early evening dip or a casual swim at dawn.  

The title of this piece is "Spring Breeze", so you can already imagine the cool warm air that probably surrounds her. She has a smile of pure contention and her fingers are relaxed, which, to me, represents no haste or rush. Although she's covering herself up, she's still very comfortable in the open space. I like that.

With the spring season teasing us all with a couple beautifully warm days peppered here and there, I find myself being completely cheerful and anticipant. I just want the weather to break already. I guess mother nature is giving us four-play. Such a naughty minx. haha. It just represents so much. Spring that is! People are generally more cheerful, (unless their too hot, cause then they're all agitated & a pain in the ass), more people are willing to come out, you have the comfortable luxury of being outdoors--one with nature, if you will, (unless the mosquitos are out, cause those sons-of-bitches are ruthless), and then you have the more skin aspect of the whole deal. And personally, I've been waiting to unleash my new beach body upon the world this summer. haha So many things I'm excited for. I'm just really happy that things are turning around... and a little upside down. 

I love that the best part of my life hasn't happened yet and some of the most memorable & funniest moments will take place later on this year. I love that I know exactly the way spring & summer smells, and once that breeze flows through my hair and across my face, it'll be exactly the same as it's always been. Like an old friend visiting for a short while. 

Well, anyhow... that's how the painting makes me feel. I have a spark. 

What Is.

"One of the most basic spiritual principles in many philosophies is the idea of opening your heart to "what is" instead of insisting that life be a certain way. This idea is so important because much of our internal struggle stems from our desire to control life, to insist that it be different than it actually is. But life isn't always (or rarely is) the way we would like it to be--it is simply the way it is. The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind.

When we have preconceived ideas about the way life should be, they interfere with our opportunity to enjoy or learn from the present moment. This prevents us from honoring what we are going through, which may be an opportunity for great awakenings. "

--page 237 of "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson, Ph. D.

It was just an impressive section that I wanted to share with everyone. 

Frozen Hope

Walking through the falling snow with Death Cab For Cutie flowing through my ears added perspective to my thoughts. "Lack of Color" has been my anthem for the last couple weeks. It suits my situation well. A long over due, casual night of drinking fits my situation well, also. 

The idea of sitting at a bar top, taking my good ole time sipping a brew-ha ha and having great conversation with some of the most intriguing minds, fills me with elation! I can't express how excited I am to have friends like the ones I do. They're amazing and they absolutely make me fly. If I turn things around this year for anyone, it's definitely them & myself. They make me want to be a better person, which in turn I suppose, makes me a better person. 

My inspiration and aspirations are thawing after nearly six years of procrastination and nothingness. I've been so consumed by simply living life, that all I've done is live. Live with nothing to show for it except experiences, hilarious moments and introspective conversation. Not totally shabby, but not something I can make a living off of either. Now is the time. Now more than ever. And if not now, when? I'm excited for the possibilities of the future. I'm down, but not out.... not just yet.

Silver Linings

Getting back on track after being sick, for what felt like for-fucking-ever, I'm finally seeing an upside to all of this madness that January has brought. And if I'm being completely honest---I'm happy to see this motherfucking month end. To hell with it! 

I suppose having a cold and being severely hungover at the same time pays off when you need to get your head straight. I did a lot of thinking. Along with a lot of sleeping... along with a lot of not eating & puking. Yeah, it put things in perspective for me. Or as my older brother would say, "Why don't you keep your ass home sometimes?!"  So later that night, as my fever climbed to a boiling 103, I tried to answer that very question. Why do I always feel compelled to go out anytime there's an event? It's as if I just cannot resist the temptation.  'Something's going on somewhere?? Well, I gotta be a part of it. Let's make those memories! Let's have those laughs!' When what I really need to focus on right now, is school and a career. Maybe see what I can do with my writing and acting. Anything else that happens along the way I'll deal with then.

At least the upside to this very complex start of the year, is that I'll have PLENTY of material to write about in the upcoming future. I don't even know where to start. Too much to say and not enough time to express. :)

I don't think I feel blue any longer.

I'm spontaneous again. See...

Facing Ghosts

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts.."

How it felt to see you again..

To feel our eyes meet and immediately pull away,

With such resistance the gravitational pull, was obvious.

Soft face too pretty for shame, and yet, you wear it so well.

There is no resentment here.

I still yearn for an idea of us that isn't possible any longer.   And such a shame, that is. 

And as we stand, unknowing of what could have been so great--

--a slight glance in the opposite direction fixes everything.

We don't have to face what we can't see, I suppose...

..I suppose......

The Drawing Board

At the closing of a week that feels like it would never end, I can honestly say I was dead on balls accurate, when I called the week being riddled with surprises. Just one thing after another, it was honestly a series of unfortunate events. 

Attempting to blow off some steam and party with a few co-workers, a good friend of mine & myself ventured out to The Buck Hotel. After getting lost for a good half an hour, we managed to get the right information from an Indian 7-11 clerk that evidently had three too many Red Bulls. He was just bouncing around the store dancing and singing---but that's beside the point. 

I'm not entirely straight on remembering when we left the bar. I know it was after last call and I also know that the house lights came on to a freakishly bright ray. But that's about all I know.

A car crash can really put things in perspective for you. All the empty questions and "What If's". I guess we're awfully lucky to have walked away from it and not gotten hurt. Bit of a wake up call for us both I suppose. 

What a way to wrap up the lovely week. 

If this month is any prelude to how the year will be---it's going to be a bumpy, unpredictably random, mind fuck of a ride. 

I'm actually intimidated.