So I find myself up and unable to sleep. Slumber hasn't been kind to me and since I lost one of my best friends it's especially evil. I've kept my head up and supported the people that need it more than myself. I've been on "suicide watch" by my mother and just think.... ya know, maybe she has reason to think that I might do something drastic like that. Not that I would, but... that I could.
And tonight I confessed to Crystal that it wasn't that far from thought. I just wish that an accident would happen to me. Just so that I could see my friend again. All of them. Mike, Brian, Sunshine....
I'm here.. typing, crying, just trying to get by..... and I can't. I just want this pain to pass. I just want this void to be filled cause it aches so much without him. So much! And he loved me so much. Fuck man!! I'm happy we spent those last moments together that we did. Something that should not have happened, but magically did. :) I invaded his soul without knowing and now he invades mine. Without knowing...
Writing the last words I have to say to him has been so hard that I can't even convey in words... I don't know how I'm going to get through reading it. All I know is that I'm up, alone & lonely. He was always up at any time to answer my calls, or share random drunken late night stories.. always. I wish we could meet in the middle. I do. If I could, I swear i would right now. and yes, leave everyone behind. Cause I feel like the pain would ease & maybe I'd feel better being elsewhere with my friend that I miss deeply. So deeply that it hurts in my chest everytime I inhale.
All I can ask is for him to grace me with his presence in the subconsciencious form of
dreaming. I already feel as if he's contacting me through music. (I have my reasons.) But there's nothing like that guarantee. But what is that exactly? Ugh. Being strong is what I have to do and it WILL make me stronger. But godamn is the process to enlightenment & strength a motherfucker!?
What is life without evolvement?
No comments:
Post a Comment