Set Adrift on Memory's Bliss

Life is crazy and unusual. Things are bound to catch you by surprise and throw you for a loop. Some people work best with certain tragedies staggered about. Some people work best when the shit hits the fan all at once. I'm more of a staggered shitty-situation supporter. I can concentrate better, deal with things in a positive, more progressive sort of manner when they're spread out. But as we all know, life doesn't always let you take a breather in order to prepare for the next fall. Sometimes, life wants to see just how big your balls are and will hit you with a triple uppercut. No space for time-outs, no warning, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

I'm currently in the throes of a rather difficult situation. Digging deeper inside of myself to make this bright outlook, that I know will be worth it, something tangible. But my god, is it a process within itself. Beginning with trust and fast-forwarding into some old territory I haven't slayed all the ghosts in yet. Revisiting thoughts like these are scary and intimidating. But upon another look, nothing in life worth having comes without some struggle or fear of fucking up.

To succeed in an endeavor such as the one I may soon embark on would mean pure happiness. It would mean I could look a lovely person in their eyes every night and know that we'll awake in each others' arms every morning*. The leap would stir butterflies in my tummy, no doubt, but what'd be so different from the leap one takes to fall in love? After you've fallen, then what do you do? You do whatever it takes to make that person understand how you feel, while hoping they feel the same way.
But what about those little interruptions you get? The people that come out of the woodworks because they can smell the happiness on your skin? The people that high-jack your emotions and lay the biggest test they can put together, right in your lap? The people from the past that want nothing more than to confuse and suffocate you?

::Sigh:: "Time wounds all heals.."

What I do know is that once your chance with me has passed, returning years later with an empty promise and a wedding ring won't suffice. The memories of the past can't paint the pictures for the future. And quite honestly, I want my future with someone else. Someone who was brave enough to handle honesty, not someone who ran from it. Sure, it'd be like old times for a while, but the truth is, I fell for someone else way harder. And he does deserve the love I give to him. He isn't completely shitting it away. Your turn was lost when you walked away from me. Now it's my turn, to walk away from you.



Maybe it'll work out for me, maybe it won't. But at least I'll know I followed my truest desires. Can't fault a person for that.

*give or take some tossing & turning and stealing of the covers, of course.