Tuesday, January 10, 2012

8 Resolutions For The Average Angry Philadelphian

1. Stop playing your music obnoxiously loud-- No one cares what you're listening to! You don't appear magically cooler just because you have the hottest Drake track. We know you wanna show off the new Rick Ross mixtape, but for the sake of not being choked or stabbed, PA-LEASE turn it the fuck down! Blasting the latest slop of cookie cutter rap negates the whole point of having headphones. If you wanna rep it that loud, get your shit together and blast it from your bumpy, bass overloaded car. Otherwise, keep that shit to yourself. If I blared Iron Maiden in my headphones & it filtered out to the point that everyone around me in a 20 foot radius can hear it, people would do a lot more than just run for the hills, if ya know what I mean. You're not doing anyone a favor by appointing yourself DJ Dumbass for the entire bus/train ride that's already made grueling due to the loud mouth bitch on the phone that, "don't care who hear me on dis bus gettin' loud." Really? Which brings me to resolution #2.

2. Stop talking obnoxiously loud-- I know you're a proud Philadelphian with connects' and all the backhanded wisdom in the land, but yelling and cursing over the phone WHEREVER you are will not--I repeat--WILL NOT change your fucked up situation. It won't. So instead of disclosing your full drunken/slutty/backstabbing/"I told 'em off" steaming piece of cow dung you call a story, why not pump your squeaking breaks and think for a second if you're representing yourself in a manner you'd want your dear aunt Gretchen to see. If not, shut the fuck up. It's that simple folks, it really is. And how fucking retarded & ghetto does a bunch have to be in order to have actual postings on public etiquette on public transportation?! Can't figure that bit out on your own, huh? What a joke!

3. Think outside the borough-- As angry Philadelphians, we often dislike venturing out to many places because of our overwhelming hate for other human beings. I understand it completely, but every once in a while when I hype myself up to discover new places, I can endure the Philly Race for the sake of a good night. Try going out in different parts of Philly, there are plenty of coffee shops, restaurants & bars to appeal to every person. If you live downtown, give the Northeast section a go-sy. If you have to knock somebody out, (or worse, if YOU are knocked out), then at least you'll know that neighborhood wasn't for you, but the dinner was something to write home about. Of course you should do your homework on the place and 'hood you'll be stepping out into. But there are so many underrated BYOB's in the Philly area, it just may very well be worth kicking someone's ass over. :) Give it a go, possibly try a different food element, (Indian, Thai, etc.), you may be surprised with what you like.


4. Be nice-- We all have to share this world together, so why not at least TRY to be nice to others and make it a little more bearable. Someone bumped you or stepped on your shoe? Ever think maybe it's a crowded area and they TOO have an important place to be or go? Excuse yourself, then keep it moving. (Being acceptable of others apology is just as important.) An apology or a polite smile takes people a long way. Strangers or not. Some situations really don't have to be as serious as people make them out to be. Your life sucks at home or at work? You hate the spouse you're married to or have kids with? That's not the stranger's fault, understand? The world isn't responsible for your issues. Keep that with you and consideration should follow. (Hopefully will follow since so many of you lack this trait and Philadelphia needs it so badly.)

5.Stop littering-- Maybe your mother didn't teach you right from wrong. Maybe you didn't have proper upbringing. Maybe you're just a disgusting piece of shit and feels the need to throw your garbage carelessly on the streets, creating a wave of others who will also be careless and dispose of THEIR mess in public. Because you're just that much better than everyone, right? I once asked a litterbug why they litter when there are trash cans on almost every street. Their response was because everyone else does it. So that must mean if every one person doesn't litter, then the domino effect will be trashless, clean streets right? We are the problem as well as the solution.

6. Be punctual-- As you can see, I, myself need to work on punctuality. Being as this resolution list should've been ready a week ago. This one is the hardest for yours truly to get in order, partly because of my procrastination virus. If you're like me and leave everything to the last minute, running late is a close yet irritating friend of yours, waiting to kick you in your ass and probably has several times in your life. Being late is often directly related to a lot of peoples' anger and short patience with others. Maybe if you would've gotten up just 15 minutes earlier, you would've made that light or that train. But you didn't, so instead you're going to proceed to be a bitch to everyone around you until you get back home, to do it all again the next day. Go fuck yourself--I hate people like you. At least when I'm late, I understand it's my own fault, (& also Septa's) but I take it out on no one. I get to where I need to be, late or on time, it doesn't matter cause it'll be what it'll be. No excuses or any amount of complaining will change that. So change yourself!


7. Start cooking-- I don't think anyone in this city (or this country for that matter) needs a reminder on the obesity situation goings on. There's probably an opera sized lady or gentleman in the seat/car next to you. Slamming down a Whopper, no doubt. If we put aside a little extra time to attempt to organize our lives, we might get somewhere. So before you go fleeing off to the fast food joint or Chinese store on the corner, maybe give that ole cookin' thing a try. Not only will you save money, but you're bound to drop a few pounds. Besides, wouldn't you rather know what's going in your food? Rather than some stranger, who's probably more disgusting than you, picking at his crotch then handling your burger or whatever slop you decide to purchase. (tough love people)

8. Remember your youth-- Too often, you'll see people growing out of simple pleasures due to the fact that they're turning into a big boring sap of a human being. Don't be that person! Remember what use to make you smile, and do it more often. Play Hide-&-Go-Seek as an adult, I DARE YOU! It's the best amount of fun one can have. Stare up at the stars & dream, dance at an intersection, get drunk during the daytime, hell--streak if that's your cup of tea. But don't just dissolve into this adult that takes themselves too seriously. Remember life is a moderately good play, with a badly written 3rd act. Take advantage while you're still in the 2nd act and while you still have legs to be mobile.

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