Silver Linings

Getting back on track after being sick, for what felt like for-fucking-ever, I'm finally seeing an upside to all of this madness that January has brought. And if I'm being completely honest---I'm happy to see this motherfucking month end. To hell with it! 

I suppose having a cold and being severely hungover at the same time pays off when you need to get your head straight. I did a lot of thinking. Along with a lot of sleeping... along with a lot of not eating & puking. Yeah, it put things in perspective for me. Or as my older brother would say, "Why don't you keep your ass home sometimes?!"  So later that night, as my fever climbed to a boiling 103, I tried to answer that very question. Why do I always feel compelled to go out anytime there's an event? It's as if I just cannot resist the temptation.  'Something's going on somewhere?? Well, I gotta be a part of it. Let's make those memories! Let's have those laughs!' When what I really need to focus on right now, is school and a career. Maybe see what I can do with my writing and acting. Anything else that happens along the way I'll deal with then.

At least the upside to this very complex start of the year, is that I'll have PLENTY of material to write about in the upcoming future. I don't even know where to start. Too much to say and not enough time to express. :)

I don't think I feel blue any longer.

I'm spontaneous again. See...

Facing Ghosts

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts.."

How it felt to see you again..

To feel our eyes meet and immediately pull away,

With such resistance the gravitational pull, was obvious.

Soft face too pretty for shame, and yet, you wear it so well.

There is no resentment here.

I still yearn for an idea of us that isn't possible any longer.   And such a shame, that is. 

And as we stand, unknowing of what could have been so great--

--a slight glance in the opposite direction fixes everything.

We don't have to face what we can't see, I suppose...

..I suppose......

The Drawing Board

At the closing of a week that feels like it would never end, I can honestly say I was dead on balls accurate, when I called the week being riddled with surprises. Just one thing after another, it was honestly a series of unfortunate events. 

Attempting to blow off some steam and party with a few co-workers, a good friend of mine & myself ventured out to The Buck Hotel. After getting lost for a good half an hour, we managed to get the right information from an Indian 7-11 clerk that evidently had three too many Red Bulls. He was just bouncing around the store dancing and singing---but that's beside the point. 

I'm not entirely straight on remembering when we left the bar. I know it was after last call and I also know that the house lights came on to a freakishly bright ray. But that's about all I know.

A car crash can really put things in perspective for you. All the empty questions and "What If's". I guess we're awfully lucky to have walked away from it and not gotten hurt. Bit of a wake up call for us both I suppose. 

What a way to wrap up the lovely week. 

If this month is any prelude to how the year will be---it's going to be a bumpy, unpredictably random, mind fuck of a ride. 

I'm actually intimidated.

I Was In Over My Head

There was a crisp chill in the air at dawn. I awoke with anticipation for a call that never came. Five days in. 

I reluctantly get out of bed to view a blustery wind, filled with flakes of white. This is gonna be fun to go to work in. (Clearly sarcasm) 

As I walked through the streets dusted in a powdery glow, my ears tensed up with severe rigor mortis and no head phones to distract my thoughts. My day is sucking already. 

I make an early bus to see a friend at work with kind words to build my ego back up. It helps a little, but ultimately there is some slight damage still remaining. 

The smell of food is in the air and there is laughter and chatting all around me. I watch as all the people eat and sit, correct their children and pretend to listen to colleagues. I grit and observe all the plastic smiles--Man I am really bitter today. All I can seem to focus on is the little speck on any particular object in sight. Allowing myself to fall into daydreams at a rapid pace. Dreams that no longer belong to me. And whaddaya know, my table is FINALLY ready to order! 

I work a good two tables worth and head home. A humiliating ride, with my eyes leaking and

voice cracking. A good friend, with a lending ear gave comfort to a situation that has no closure. And at home, I lay in darkness with what feels like a hole in my chest and I fall asleep... it always stings like the first time doesn't it?

BUT ALAS!!! 

Dusk crept and "Looking forward to going.." became, "I'm gonna pee my pants, we're here!" After a great taste buds experience at Maoz and a tee-tee break @ Starbucks, we lurked the streets of downtown Philadelphia for a ticket for yours truly. I come across a scalper out of stock and move onto another gentleman that claims he holds the key to my enjoyment tonight. I follow him around the corner, or two... or maybe it was three--all the while suspecting Why the fuck am I walking with him?-- he runs off to "get the tickets" and just keeps on running. In a nutshell, he fucked me in my ass with a sandpaper condom. $55 just shoved right up my ass! With disappointment and complete, "My week can't get any worse", my friends and I part ways all to meet up again very shortly. !!!! The out of stock scalper from before STOCKED UP! With my very last $30, haggling and proof of honesty... and well, the submission of my favorite piece of jewelry the ticket was mine.

I enter the venue, find my friends, down a Jack & Coke and release myself to the sound of an instrumental orgy. Discovering new music is so refreshing. Even more so when the words apply to you right, then and there. Very touching and soothing in a sense. My mind drifts back to the boy and forward to the recovery process. This is gonna be a long night. The Fray takes the stage and my mind adjusts to the sound of perfection. Chords in line with vocal harmony, such an amazing sound--followed by an amazing rush. Hundreds of people, all singing the same words. All singing the same tune, all in the same place at the same time. Very satisfying for myself.

And then... home comes. Inside I feel like I'm screaming and outside I have to wear this face of contentment. When all I really am is devastated... The idea of being worth less than an explanation is devastating, so.... there's that. I really feel as if there aren't any words to express. And that's honestly it, I have no words. Ha! And words are my life. Speechless yet again, and yet---why does it feel so familiar? I guess being fooled never really gets old. There's always someone, somewhere eventually in your present to future existance that will always let you down or get over on you in some way. And each time you feel like a child. Like you got gotten. Because after all, that is what it is.

I just wish I got gotten in the good way...

..if only. 

It's Just A Scratch

The little things, you do to me are, taking me over. I wanna show you.

That everything inside of me, oh. Like a nervous heart, that is crazy beating.

My feet are stuck here, against the pavement. I wanna break free, I wanna make it.

Closer to your eyes, get your attention, before you pass me by.

Back up, back up--take another chance. Don't you mess up, mess up--I don't wanna lose you.

Wake up, wake up--this ain't just a thing that you give up, give up. Don't you say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering if I'm better off, better off, without you boy.

And every time you notice me, by holding me closely and saying sweet things. I don't believe that it could be you, speaking your mind and saying the real thing. My feet have broke free and I am leaving. I'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but I don't regret it, and I don't think it was just a waste of time.

Back up, back up--take another chance. Don't you mess up, mess up--I don't wanna lose you.
Wake up, wake up--this ain't just a thing that you give up, give up. Don't you say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering if I'm better off better off, without you boy.

Don't just leave me, hanging on. Don't just leave me, hanging on.

"the little things" --colbie caillat

Z's & Question Marks

I think something amazing is happening.... Sweet, succulent, SLUMBER!!!

I---am---fucking---sleepy!!! Ha HAA! How incredible is that huh? I'll be completely honest, this post isn't going to be anything spectacular . I'm simply

 exhausted and tapped out. Singing, cooking, exercising, Felicity's school project... I guess it finally caught up with me, the past three weeks I mean. I've been staying up so late each night, not feeling the consequences. And now, pssh,  I feel like a train hit me. Which is good, cause I could use a good nights' rest to prepare me for my double tomorrow. I'll have to put my "Hustle Jenny" hat on and add my extra layers of skin. That thick outer layer may have to be on semi-permanently. Who knows what the rest of the week holds. Mmm hmmm.

It'll be an adventure, I'm sure. The next few days are going to be something. I don't know if I know what's going on anymore. That's kinda funny, I think. How tables can turn. 

Meanwhile, I'm completely confuzzled. Hopefully my dreams will offer better satisfaction than my current reality...

Proceed With Caution

Someone once told me that love wasn't easy, and that over time it gradually becomes more bearable to stand when things go wrong. I agree with half of that statement.

I don't expect love to be easy, ever. It's the one thing in life that actually is worth fighting for, surrendering for... doing anything for. But I did expect it to get a little easier. You know, with trial and error comes progression, right? I suppose it's true for the most part, but I'll be godamned--if the shit isn't getting more complex by the relationship. Each time I think I'll be able to have potential problems mapped out, WHHAPP! Here's something that has a whole new dish of neurosis & grey areas. New adaptation. New adjustments. New sacrifices. New growth.

I think the scary part about being at this point in a relationship is the vulnerability factor. It's as if I'm thinking, "I'm getting too close now. If I were to turn and run--now is the time."  So I'm scanning for any sign of trouble or warning. Automatic defense mechanism, I'm sure, because I absolutely adore this guy. Making compromises would be a HUGE consideration for him. There will be obstacles, of course. Isn't there always though? I get to this point where it all balances out because the person turns out to be worthwhile. Yet on the other hand, do I have the energy to try that hard anymore? 

Who am I kidding? I am a fool and entirely a sucker for something sentimental. The hopeless romantic inside of

 me.... I hate that motherfucker! 

:)

I've Been Dreaming Again

Due to recent mojo shift I've experienced in the last two months, I haven't been able to put down the Maxim's, Cosmo's and everything else in between. I recently rented a Supersex pocket-sized book from a swell friend of mine. The text stays glued to my retnas' as I go about my everyday life. It's quite annoying, trying to work and not being able to focus because you're ear deep in a sexual daydream that's taking your whole body to imagine. So with that said, I hereby give you the best 'How-To Entry' from the second chapter entitled "Oh. My. God." ; (careful, it's a long one but goody)

Find the person whose mouth makes the right moves and join the line of those eager to lap up the attention. The opposite also applies: refuse to get up close and personal and don't be surprised if your dance card stays empty. Why? Oral sex is not just one of life's great pleasures--our attitude to it also speaks volumes about our attitude to sex in general. Open, uninhibited, sensuous lovers adore both giving and receiving oral sex. Prissy, uptight, and why-would-you-possibly-want-to-go-there are adjectives that apply to the rest. Eager to learn a few more tricks to add to your repertoire? You'll find a couple here. Your Grandmother probably told you the way to a lover's heart is through his stomach. Well, try heading south a bit. There are guides for both--but ladies first...

MOUTH TECHNIQUES FOR HER PLEASURE: Keep it covered.  teasing- Get her to leave her panties on and start by licking through the fabric. (Yes, it helps if she's wearing satin or silk) Instead of removing them completely to finish the job, pull them to one side. This will transport her straight back to her first oral sex experiences (when she was young, trying hard to be good--and failing spectacularly)

Making Mouth Music. Separate the vaginal lips with your fingers, find her clitoris (a tiny marble, at the top end--the end near her tummy--covered with a hood of skin), and make gentle, slow, upward strokes around the clitoris, not on it. Use the flat of your tongue, not the tip. 

Keep your tongue relaxed; it'll feel better for her, and you won't get so tired. Make slow circles around the circumference and combine this with an up-and-down, lapping motion. Let as much of your tongue make contact so you cover the largest area possible. Practice on your own palm and see which movements feel most efficient. If you see her clitoris shrinking or retracting back under the hood of skin, you're being too rough.

**Adding hands to caress the thighs and waist are always a plus. 

All in all, it's been a lonely couple of nights and I highly anticipate the touch and warmth of hands that are far too kind to grace my skin. 

R.I.P. Cheese Sandwiching You

I just remembered this time in San Diego, California when I was attempting to be cute and graceful to impress a boy. I jumped onto the bed, ever so slight & petite... expecting to land on my feet and maybe do a twirl to my knees, therefore enticing him to ravage me. Only, it was anything but graceful or slight. It was quite a mess actually. A hilarious mess. 

So, my one foot doesn't clear the mattress and I clumsily face planted myself to the sheets! HA! It all happened so fast, that all we both could do was recover. He couldn't hold back the laughter as he tried to cover the smile on his lips with his hands. I, on the other hand, cowered in a ball on the corner of the bed. ::sigh:: 

What a memory. I like that I can simply go back to it anytime I choose. Enjoying the pain of a memory... one of those morbid things I guess. You feel happy that you experienced such a moment in time and yet, so empty because it's gone. Leaving you left with nostalgia. And what a confusing emotion in itself, isn't it? When I get nostalgic my face looks like I'm trying to do a math problem that I almost have solved. I guess because in a sense, it is. And I did almost have it solved. Sometimes people just miss out on each other. Ain't that the truth. But it doesn't always end there. Just as good as all those great moments were before, they CAN be duplicated, multiplied and improved! Life, much like an instrument  or anything else, takes much practice and fine tuning.  

This particular post is dedicated to someone very special and close to my heart. It use to belong to him. We've both gone separate ways over the years and I wanted him to know that I'm extremely proud of him and wish nothing but the best on his long journey to the middle. Try to keep those feet warm on the big day and don't fuck your marriage up! LOL I should talk...

 Whatever-the-case, you were favorite mistake. I'll always hold you close.

I'm leaving you. I'm not sure if that's what I should do. It hurts so bad. I'm wanting you but can't go back. Trying to find, that all elusive piece of mind. Stuck here somehow. Shrouded beneath my fear and doubt. And I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world it seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest, above my heart, to remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. Everything is effortless, you know it's true. My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You are like the raindrops falling down on me.

You left a mark. (Left a mark)

She left a mark. (He left)

She left. (He left)

She left a mark.

And I don't. (And I don't)

Need it. (Need it)

colbie caillat-droplets

Sick. <3

Six a.m. and I haven't even attempted to close my eyes tonight. I've been somewhat glued to this computer screen and these keys. Brainstorming plots and jotting down quick story lines for future projects. I've been on a roll too! It's nice to know I have something creative in the ole' noggin. It's kinda crazy, considering that I've fallen back into my old ways of artistic explosion, insomnia and sexual frustration. As if I were sixteen all over again. Go figure.

I added a soundtrack to my evening. It's kept me fueled and excited for possibilities ahead. Maybe even too excited. I get beside myself with thoughts that carry me away into a place that may not necessarily be safe for my thoughts to wander..(just yet). It's okay to be confused by the last sentence, I'm still not entirely sure it made sense. lol Forgive me, I've been up for about eighteen hours.  And remarkably still not even one desire for slumber. 

It's times like these, when I wish I drove. I'd take a nice ride to Kelly Drive or Manyunk. Just to fucking drive. See the city lights, crack the windows a bit to get a whiff of the crisp outside air. Maybe watch the sun come up, grab breakfast at a food cart and eat it at LOVE Park while I

people watch. 

You know, it's funny how things in life don't tend to work out... and then again, it's even funnier how they do..

I never thought I'd be able to feel so whole heartedly so quickly, but it seems to have shifted that way. And there's not one part of me that minds, one bit. 

If you're feeling up to it, download Acceptance's song "So Contagious", it's great and it happens to be exactly how I feel. If you're bitter and cynical, don't bother---it may induce vomiting.