Lonesome December Snow

So as the snow fell from all different points, I watched in amazement of how gorgeous it all looked. Without my love to experience it with me I bundled up with just Arden the cat. A fire was going on downstairs and in the sunroom was just grey admiration. Silent and still. I thought about all the family joining together and eating tons of food and pastries. I made me yearn for more company, but alas, none was there for me. It was a night to stay in and be with the ones closest. Alcohol obviously played a big role in yesterdays & last nights events. If only I had planned ahead.

Game 5

Without speech to speak
and eyes to watch
my skin, it leaks
and the TV isn't botched
the Phils are up
and going steady
saying 'Whatssup, we're fucking ready'
They're not done
no, not yet
the fun has just begun
and the stage has been set.

2 Beau2ful 2 4Get

Aaannnnnnddd hheeerrrrrreeee wwweee gooooo... I accept rhyme and reason for what it is. Especially in life, it has it's own little spot in the world, that is your mind, soul & spirit. You have your reasons for accepting difficult things, just as you do reject easy things. Depending on mood, reflection & conscience of that day, depends on how reality will play out for you.

Sometimes I feel like a scratched record that's somehow been refurbished by this great invention. And that's love. YES!! YESSS! I Do realize how insanely gay it sounds. But imagine how it feels to be at least so happy, that in the least bit it's a fairytale... What would you give to even feel slight elation for a little while? 

Isnt't that what we do when we drink? Smoke? Halluncinate? Orrr hope???

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." True is it not??? Or is it?

Autumn In Philly

The love affair you can have with a city is incredible. You memorize the skyline, the way the people & traffic make a soundtrack during your commute and how the wind blows constant amusing, (and sometimes agitating), possibilities your way. I make this city sound like a mystical place. 

All filled with wonder and awe. Yet it is. I mean, it's no Narnia, but it's yours & mine and I think it's oh so very fine.

Philadelphia.

Philadelphia in autumn is the most enchanting experience you'll have in the city. Like the first kiss you embrace after realizing you love someone. It's a rapid fall too. One moment the quirky shops have you wishing you had more money & the next--you're swooning over the historic and romanticism Old City or Rittenhouse has to offer. Not to mention how the color of the leaves bleed together. Red to orange, to yellow and a hint of lavender purple. It's wonderful.

There's a certain calmness that happens to Philly once autumn begins. A sense of contentment that flows through everyone. Maybe it's the fact that Christmas is around the corner. Maybe it's the warm colors that get the lighter side of people going. Maybe it's just my perception. Maybe it's a lot of things.

The ever alluring city of Philadelphia has captured my intrigue and enfolded my soul. Afterall, who couldn't be enraptured by one of the oldest cities in the country? That alone is enough to make you, at the least bit, curious. And upon researching & investigation comes the flooding of an obsession. Philly lives in you... me... and all around us.

HEE changed my life..

How can life do this to you? Just throw you bones, throw you options & choices, then.... suddenly nothing. Just space & time to think about the nothingness. And it'll kill you. The emptiness that fills you, the yearning that you have for something substancial is crazy. So when you find it, like I have... you still can't believe it. You feel threatened towards the littlest things cause you're defending what you want to keep. What you want to obtain & save as yours. It's a very defensive position--love is. Insane. You want to protect and serve what you worked hard to get. Because it's yours and it belongs to you.

Tell me love isn't grand.

Tru Blood

Blood suckers of the night. The lude, ever so passionate creatures of darkness. 

Beautiful.

That's what I call it. Although there are harsh

 factors of being an immortal being, I however, find it enticing, sensual & all around alluring.

I've been caught up with all the aspects of this show. Making me wish I was either a Vampire, existed among them, or completely Southern.

It's just such a driven passion. How deeply they feel and yearn for the ones they love and are loyal to. I want that....

..and although I'm just a mortal, I'm no Vampire... I have found that..

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

As happy as I am to have confirm my happiness towards a certain someone, I am equally regrettable for having to leave it behind. I can't convey how much it will hurt to part with such an amazement. Because when it comes to 100% unconditional happiness without question of ruin--I haven't experienced something like now since the last time I felt like this... which was about four years ago when I had to literally forget about a chapter in my life that meant mountains to me. So to turn my back on someone that potentially could be the best thing to happen to my love life, or life period...well that's a hard pill to swallow. And I don't know how to handle it. All my life I've given up opportunities & things for love, because of the way I think about life and love... so for the first time I actually have to leave love behind in the hopes of making something better of myself. For the first time I can't be selfish. For the first time I realllly have to say goodbye. Something I was never really good at.

Timing and myself were never good friends. What the hell am I gonna do?

The Decay of Lying

Oscar Wilde had a brilliant way of expression...

"One of the chief causes that can be assigned for the curiously commonplace character of most of the literature of our age is undoubtedly the decay of Lying as an art, a science, and a social pleasure. The ancient historians gave us delightful fiction in the form of fact; the modern novelist presents us with dull facts under the guise of fiction. The BlueBook is rapidly becoming his ideal both for method and manner. He has his tedious ' document humain,' his miserable little 'coin de la creation,' into which he peers with his microscope. He is to be found at the Librairie Nationale, or at the British Museum, shamelessly reading up his subject. He has not even the courage of other people's ideas, but insists on going directly to life for everything and ultimately, between encyclopaedias and personal experience, he comes to the ground, having drawn his types from the family circle or from the weekly washerwoman, and having acquired an amount of useful information from which never, even in his most meditative moments, can he thoroughly free himself.

The loss that results to literature in general from this false ideal of our time can hardly be overestimated. People have a careless way of talking about a 'born liar,' just as they talk about a 'born poet.' But in both cases they are wrong. Lying and poetry are arts--arts, as Plato saw, not unconnected with each other--and they require the most careful study, the most disinterested devotion. Indeed, they have their technique, just as the more material arts of painting and sculpture have, their subtle secrets of form and. colour, their craftmysteries, their deliberate artistic methods. As one knows the poet by his fine music, so one can recognize the liar by his rich rhythmic utterance, and in neither case will the casual inspiration of the moment suffice. Here, as elsewhere, practice must precede perfection. But in modern days while the fashion of writing poetry has become far too common, and should, if possible, be discouraged, the fashion of lying has almost fallen into disrepute. Many a young man starts in life with a natural gift for exaggeration which, if nurtured in congenial and sympathetic surroundings, or by the imitation of the best models, might grow into something really great and wonderful. But, as a rule, he comes to nothing. He either falls into careless habits of accuracy, or takes to frequenting the society of the aged and the wellinformed. Both things are equally fatal to his imagination, as indeed they would be fatal to the imagination of anybody, and in a short time he develops a morbid and unhealthy faculty of truthtelling, begins to verify all statements made in his presence, has no hesitation in contradicting people who are much younger than himself, and often ends by writing novels which are so like life that no one can possibly believe in their probability. This is no isolated instance that we are giving. It is simply one example out of many; and if something cannot be done to check, or at least to modify, our monstrous worship of facts, Art will become sterile and Beauty will pass away from the land."

Infinitely Interesting

There are times in your life when you have to take the good with the bad. The departure of my dearest friend was devastating of course. The only good thing I actually had going on at the time was the possibility of something substancial. The kisses and affection of a person that blows my mind. 

You can't mistake a feeling like that. That sensation that maybe you might be on to something. The cosmic connection when your eyes lock and your skin makes contact. It's a spark for sure. I'm just glad it happened to me. 

He Only Sings When He's Sad

So I find myself up and unable to sleep. Slumber hasn't been kind to me and since I lost one of my best friends it's especially evil. I've kept my head up and supported the people that need it more than myself. I've been on "suicide watch" by my mother and just think.... ya know, maybe she has reason to think that I might do something drastic like that. Not that I would, but... that I could.

And tonight I confessed to Crystal that it wasn't that far from thought. I just wish that an accident would happen to me. Just so that I could see my friend again. All of them. Mike, Brian, Sunshine....

I'm here.. typing, crying, just trying to get by..... and I can't. I just want this pain to pass. I just want this void to be filled cause it aches so much without him. So much! And he loved me so much. Fuck man!! I'm happy we spent those last moments together that we did. Something that should not have happened, but magically did. :) I invaded his soul without knowing and now he invades mine. Without knowing... 

Writing the last words I have to say to him has been so hard that I can't even convey in words... I don't know how I'm going to get through reading it. All I know is that I'm up, alone & lonely. He was always up at any time to answer my calls, or share random drunken late night stories.. always. I wish we could meet in the middle. I do. If I could, I swear i would right now. and yes, leave everyone behind. Cause I feel like the pain would ease & maybe I'd feel better being elsewhere with my friend that I miss deeply. So deeply that it hurts in my chest everytime I inhale. 

All I can ask is for him to grace me with his presence in the subconsciencious form of 

dreaming. I already feel as if he's contacting me through music. (I have my reasons.) But there's nothing like that guarantee. But what is that exactly? Ugh. 

Being strong is what I have to do and it WILL make me stronger. But godamn is the process to enlightenment & strength a motherfucker!? 

What is life without evolvement?

Cloudy Daze.

Since I can't even begin to write about how I feel right now... I'm posting lyrics.

You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest, above my heart. To remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. Everything is effortless, you know it's true. My eyes are painted with regret. And I don't need it. Cause I'm walking down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. my head is in a cloud of rain and the world, it seems so far away. And I'm just waiting for the droplets. You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me..

..you left a mark.

Cohorting 4 Four Weeks

Man has the wind picked up!

This wind has been blowing me all about. I've ended up in some strange places and come up with answers that I've normally not been able to come to on my own. Lots has happened. Lots has transpired situations into things that can't be forgotten. And... things that cant be taken back.

It's enough to make me give up and give in to a rhyme & reason that makes so much sense now, that it's a wonder why it took me so long to figure it out. Elation appears to be an understatement for me at this present point. I've discovered something that's been buried for

 some time. The vindication is deafening. And the truth is, I'm happy. 

Go figure.

 <----this picture is worth so many words to me. Especially at time like now. Words cannot convey. I'm incandescently aroused & overflown with elation.

This person... well, you know how I hate to jump the gun, but he might be the peas to my carrots.

But afterall, time tells the story that we cannot.

Tastes Like Stars

Here are just some facts on the art of kissing and how incredibly amazing it is. Enjoy guys & dolls:

The average person will spend 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime.

50% of all people have their first kiss before they're 14.

Kissing helps reduce tooth decay because the extra saliva cleans out your mouth.

Studies show that when you kiss someone with the same color hair, the kiss tends to be more passionate.

You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss.

You only use two muscles in your face when you peck kiss, but you use all your facial muscles & burn calories when you kiss passionately.

A German study finds that two-thirds of people turn their heads to the right during kissing.

In Naples, Italy in the 16th century, kissing was offense that carried the death penalty.

On Valentine's Day '04, an Italian couple broke the record for the longest kiss at 31 hours & 18 minutes. Beating the previous record by 18 minutes & 33 seconds. (The man needed oxygen afterwards)

Juicy

I'd first like to point out, how fucking cute is this?!?------>>

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled randomness:

Someone once said that when you're not looking for something, it stumbles along and finds you. And since fate only takes you so far, you have to make the rest happen. That can be quite nerve bending because there's no telling in life, with anything. Of course if you make a decision that leads you the wrong way, you can only blame yourself. But if it pans out... well that's quite a feeling that you can't duplicate. 

I believe I'm going to take the path once traveled, only this time, I have different shoes.

Septa Fucks

I'd like to take this time to thank and point out all the stupid, inconsiderate fuck faces that ride public transportation. You make my days so much more interesting, you really do. With all the violent swearing, obnoxious phone conversations and just all around reeking of shit. You're a stereotype, quite common one too. Wake the fuck up & stop bothering everybody. 

We're all trying to get onto the bus or train, what entitles you to rudely squeeze pass me for dibs on best seat?  I swear the nerve of some people is astounding. I find it hard to believe how many godamn idiots there are walking around out there. Just living, breathing and festering our beautiful existance. It's such a waste of skin.  I watch these little knucklehead kids run back and forth, through different doors on the train. Screaming, laughing, crying---you name it, and their cracked out parents just sit oblivious. Probably rolling hard. 

Or that fucked up individual that won't give up his seat for an old or disabled person. Where do they all come from, seriously? I feel as if people like me are losing the battle against obnoxious, self-centered slags and prick holders. They're like a spreading disease and it sucks cause I have to adapt and live around this madness with people that have these piss poor attitude towards everything and every-fucking-one. Go fuck yourselves, dick faces.

:)

Clefs

I have been filled with uncertainty for quite some time. But I feel as if that will change in the near future. It's all happening...

..slowly, but, still transpiring. 

I just can't wait to get my life started already. These mindless nights are growing old on me, even though I yearn for them, but I'm thinking that maybe I just yearn for something else. 

The absence of love is killing me. And here I am just twitterpated for someone that doesn't exist. Where is he & why is it taking us so long to find each other??

William Bouguereau

The picture you see to the left has inspired me to type on a bit, about the amazing wonder and elation that spring brings every year. The new beginnings, everything waking back up and blooming. Very metaphoric, no?

William Bouguereau was the artist, he painted it in 1895. I admire it so much without really knowing why. Immediately I was just drawn to it.. simply. 

I believe it's due to the fact that this lady is naked, clearly being vulnerable and maybe in an act of passion, or spontaneity removed her clothing. Maybe an early evening dip or a casual swim at dawn.  

The title of this piece is "Spring Breeze", so you can already imagine the cool warm air that probably surrounds her. She has a smile of pure contention and her fingers are relaxed, which, to me, represents no haste or rush. Although she's covering herself up, she's still very comfortable in the open space. I like that.

With the spring season teasing us all with a couple beautifully warm days peppered here and there, I find myself being completely cheerful and anticipant. I just want the weather to break already. I guess mother nature is giving us four-play. Such a naughty minx. haha. It just represents so much. Spring that is! People are generally more cheerful, (unless their too hot, cause then they're all agitated & a pain in the ass), more people are willing to come out, you have the comfortable luxury of being outdoors--one with nature, if you will, (unless the mosquitos are out, cause those sons-of-bitches are ruthless), and then you have the more skin aspect of the whole deal. And personally, I've been waiting to unleash my new beach body upon the world this summer. haha So many things I'm excited for. I'm just really happy that things are turning around... and a little upside down. 

I love that the best part of my life hasn't happened yet and some of the most memorable & funniest moments will take place later on this year. I love that I know exactly the way spring & summer smells, and once that breeze flows through my hair and across my face, it'll be exactly the same as it's always been. Like an old friend visiting for a short while. 

Well, anyhow... that's how the painting makes me feel. I have a spark. 

What Is.

"One of the most basic spiritual principles in many philosophies is the idea of opening your heart to "what is" instead of insisting that life be a certain way. This idea is so important because much of our internal struggle stems from our desire to control life, to insist that it be different than it actually is. But life isn't always (or rarely is) the way we would like it to be--it is simply the way it is. The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind.

When we have preconceived ideas about the way life should be, they interfere with our opportunity to enjoy or learn from the present moment. This prevents us from honoring what we are going through, which may be an opportunity for great awakenings. "

--page 237 of "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson, Ph. D.

It was just an impressive section that I wanted to share with everyone. 

Frozen Hope

Walking through the falling snow with Death Cab For Cutie flowing through my ears added perspective to my thoughts. "Lack of Color" has been my anthem for the last couple weeks. It suits my situation well. A long over due, casual night of drinking fits my situation well, also. 

The idea of sitting at a bar top, taking my good ole time sipping a brew-ha ha and having great conversation with some of the most intriguing minds, fills me with elation! I can't express how excited I am to have friends like the ones I do. They're amazing and they absolutely make me fly. If I turn things around this year for anyone, it's definitely them & myself. They make me want to be a better person, which in turn I suppose, makes me a better person. 

My inspiration and aspirations are thawing after nearly six years of procrastination and nothingness. I've been so consumed by simply living life, that all I've done is live. Live with nothing to show for it except experiences, hilarious moments and introspective conversation. Not totally shabby, but not something I can make a living off of either. Now is the time. Now more than ever. And if not now, when? I'm excited for the possibilities of the future. I'm down, but not out.... not just yet.

Silver Linings

Getting back on track after being sick, for what felt like for-fucking-ever, I'm finally seeing an upside to all of this madness that January has brought. And if I'm being completely honest---I'm happy to see this motherfucking month end. To hell with it! 

I suppose having a cold and being severely hungover at the same time pays off when you need to get your head straight. I did a lot of thinking. Along with a lot of sleeping... along with a lot of not eating & puking. Yeah, it put things in perspective for me. Or as my older brother would say, "Why don't you keep your ass home sometimes?!"  So later that night, as my fever climbed to a boiling 103, I tried to answer that very question. Why do I always feel compelled to go out anytime there's an event? It's as if I just cannot resist the temptation.  'Something's going on somewhere?? Well, I gotta be a part of it. Let's make those memories! Let's have those laughs!' When what I really need to focus on right now, is school and a career. Maybe see what I can do with my writing and acting. Anything else that happens along the way I'll deal with then.

At least the upside to this very complex start of the year, is that I'll have PLENTY of material to write about in the upcoming future. I don't even know where to start. Too much to say and not enough time to express. :)

I don't think I feel blue any longer.

I'm spontaneous again. See...

Facing Ghosts

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts.."

How it felt to see you again..

To feel our eyes meet and immediately pull away,

With such resistance the gravitational pull, was obvious.

Soft face too pretty for shame, and yet, you wear it so well.

There is no resentment here.

I still yearn for an idea of us that isn't possible any longer.   And such a shame, that is. 

And as we stand, unknowing of what could have been so great--

--a slight glance in the opposite direction fixes everything.

We don't have to face what we can't see, I suppose...

..I suppose......

The Drawing Board

At the closing of a week that feels like it would never end, I can honestly say I was dead on balls accurate, when I called the week being riddled with surprises. Just one thing after another, it was honestly a series of unfortunate events. 

Attempting to blow off some steam and party with a few co-workers, a good friend of mine & myself ventured out to The Buck Hotel. After getting lost for a good half an hour, we managed to get the right information from an Indian 7-11 clerk that evidently had three too many Red Bulls. He was just bouncing around the store dancing and singing---but that's beside the point. 

I'm not entirely straight on remembering when we left the bar. I know it was after last call and I also know that the house lights came on to a freakishly bright ray. But that's about all I know.

A car crash can really put things in perspective for you. All the empty questions and "What If's". I guess we're awfully lucky to have walked away from it and not gotten hurt. Bit of a wake up call for us both I suppose. 

What a way to wrap up the lovely week. 

If this month is any prelude to how the year will be---it's going to be a bumpy, unpredictably random, mind fuck of a ride. 

I'm actually intimidated.

I Was In Over My Head

There was a crisp chill in the air at dawn. I awoke with anticipation for a call that never came. Five days in. 

I reluctantly get out of bed to view a blustery wind, filled with flakes of white. This is gonna be fun to go to work in. (Clearly sarcasm) 

As I walked through the streets dusted in a powdery glow, my ears tensed up with severe rigor mortis and no head phones to distract my thoughts. My day is sucking already. 

I make an early bus to see a friend at work with kind words to build my ego back up. It helps a little, but ultimately there is some slight damage still remaining. 

The smell of food is in the air and there is laughter and chatting all around me. I watch as all the people eat and sit, correct their children and pretend to listen to colleagues. I grit and observe all the plastic smiles--Man I am really bitter today. All I can seem to focus on is the little speck on any particular object in sight. Allowing myself to fall into daydreams at a rapid pace. Dreams that no longer belong to me. And whaddaya know, my table is FINALLY ready to order! 

I work a good two tables worth and head home. A humiliating ride, with my eyes leaking and

voice cracking. A good friend, with a lending ear gave comfort to a situation that has no closure. And at home, I lay in darkness with what feels like a hole in my chest and I fall asleep... it always stings like the first time doesn't it?

BUT ALAS!!! 

Dusk crept and "Looking forward to going.." became, "I'm gonna pee my pants, we're here!" After a great taste buds experience at Maoz and a tee-tee break @ Starbucks, we lurked the streets of downtown Philadelphia for a ticket for yours truly. I come across a scalper out of stock and move onto another gentleman that claims he holds the key to my enjoyment tonight. I follow him around the corner, or two... or maybe it was three--all the while suspecting Why the fuck am I walking with him?-- he runs off to "get the tickets" and just keeps on running. In a nutshell, he fucked me in my ass with a sandpaper condom. $55 just shoved right up my ass! With disappointment and complete, "My week can't get any worse", my friends and I part ways all to meet up again very shortly. !!!! The out of stock scalper from before STOCKED UP! With my very last $30, haggling and proof of honesty... and well, the submission of my favorite piece of jewelry the ticket was mine.

I enter the venue, find my friends, down a Jack & Coke and release myself to the sound of an instrumental orgy. Discovering new music is so refreshing. Even more so when the words apply to you right, then and there. Very touching and soothing in a sense. My mind drifts back to the boy and forward to the recovery process. This is gonna be a long night. The Fray takes the stage and my mind adjusts to the sound of perfection. Chords in line with vocal harmony, such an amazing sound--followed by an amazing rush. Hundreds of people, all singing the same words. All singing the same tune, all in the same place at the same time. Very satisfying for myself.

And then... home comes. Inside I feel like I'm screaming and outside I have to wear this face of contentment. When all I really am is devastated... The idea of being worth less than an explanation is devastating, so.... there's that. I really feel as if there aren't any words to express. And that's honestly it, I have no words. Ha! And words are my life. Speechless yet again, and yet---why does it feel so familiar? I guess being fooled never really gets old. There's always someone, somewhere eventually in your present to future existance that will always let you down or get over on you in some way. And each time you feel like a child. Like you got gotten. Because after all, that is what it is.

I just wish I got gotten in the good way...

..if only. 

It's Just A Scratch

The little things, you do to me are, taking me over. I wanna show you.

That everything inside of me, oh. Like a nervous heart, that is crazy beating.

My feet are stuck here, against the pavement. I wanna break free, I wanna make it.

Closer to your eyes, get your attention, before you pass me by.

Back up, back up--take another chance. Don't you mess up, mess up--I don't wanna lose you.

Wake up, wake up--this ain't just a thing that you give up, give up. Don't you say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering if I'm better off, better off, without you boy.

And every time you notice me, by holding me closely and saying sweet things. I don't believe that it could be you, speaking your mind and saying the real thing. My feet have broke free and I am leaving. I'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but I don't regret it, and I don't think it was just a waste of time.

Back up, back up--take another chance. Don't you mess up, mess up--I don't wanna lose you.
Wake up, wake up--this ain't just a thing that you give up, give up. Don't you say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering if I'm better off better off, without you boy.

Don't just leave me, hanging on. Don't just leave me, hanging on.

"the little things" --colbie caillat

Z's & Question Marks

I think something amazing is happening.... Sweet, succulent, SLUMBER!!!

I---am---fucking---sleepy!!! Ha HAA! How incredible is that huh? I'll be completely honest, this post isn't going to be anything spectacular . I'm simply

 exhausted and tapped out. Singing, cooking, exercising, Felicity's school project... I guess it finally caught up with me, the past three weeks I mean. I've been staying up so late each night, not feeling the consequences. And now, pssh,  I feel like a train hit me. Which is good, cause I could use a good nights' rest to prepare me for my double tomorrow. I'll have to put my "Hustle Jenny" hat on and add my extra layers of skin. That thick outer layer may have to be on semi-permanently. Who knows what the rest of the week holds. Mmm hmmm.

It'll be an adventure, I'm sure. The next few days are going to be something. I don't know if I know what's going on anymore. That's kinda funny, I think. How tables can turn. 

Meanwhile, I'm completely confuzzled. Hopefully my dreams will offer better satisfaction than my current reality...

Proceed With Caution

Someone once told me that love wasn't easy, and that over time it gradually becomes more bearable to stand when things go wrong. I agree with half of that statement.

I don't expect love to be easy, ever. It's the one thing in life that actually is worth fighting for, surrendering for... doing anything for. But I did expect it to get a little easier. You know, with trial and error comes progression, right? I suppose it's true for the most part, but I'll be godamned--if the shit isn't getting more complex by the relationship. Each time I think I'll be able to have potential problems mapped out, WHHAPP! Here's something that has a whole new dish of neurosis & grey areas. New adaptation. New adjustments. New sacrifices. New growth.

I think the scary part about being at this point in a relationship is the vulnerability factor. It's as if I'm thinking, "I'm getting too close now. If I were to turn and run--now is the time."  So I'm scanning for any sign of trouble or warning. Automatic defense mechanism, I'm sure, because I absolutely adore this guy. Making compromises would be a HUGE consideration for him. There will be obstacles, of course. Isn't there always though? I get to this point where it all balances out because the person turns out to be worthwhile. Yet on the other hand, do I have the energy to try that hard anymore? 

Who am I kidding? I am a fool and entirely a sucker for something sentimental. The hopeless romantic inside of

 me.... I hate that motherfucker! 

:)

I've Been Dreaming Again

Due to recent mojo shift I've experienced in the last two months, I haven't been able to put down the Maxim's, Cosmo's and everything else in between. I recently rented a Supersex pocket-sized book from a swell friend of mine. The text stays glued to my retnas' as I go about my everyday life. It's quite annoying, trying to work and not being able to focus because you're ear deep in a sexual daydream that's taking your whole body to imagine. So with that said, I hereby give you the best 'How-To Entry' from the second chapter entitled "Oh. My. God." ; (careful, it's a long one but goody)

Find the person whose mouth makes the right moves and join the line of those eager to lap up the attention. The opposite also applies: refuse to get up close and personal and don't be surprised if your dance card stays empty. Why? Oral sex is not just one of life's great pleasures--our attitude to it also speaks volumes about our attitude to sex in general. Open, uninhibited, sensuous lovers adore both giving and receiving oral sex. Prissy, uptight, and why-would-you-possibly-want-to-go-there are adjectives that apply to the rest. Eager to learn a few more tricks to add to your repertoire? You'll find a couple here. Your Grandmother probably told you the way to a lover's heart is through his stomach. Well, try heading south a bit. There are guides for both--but ladies first...

MOUTH TECHNIQUES FOR HER PLEASURE: Keep it covered.  teasing- Get her to leave her panties on and start by licking through the fabric. (Yes, it helps if she's wearing satin or silk) Instead of removing them completely to finish the job, pull them to one side. This will transport her straight back to her first oral sex experiences (when she was young, trying hard to be good--and failing spectacularly)

Making Mouth Music. Separate the vaginal lips with your fingers, find her clitoris (a tiny marble, at the top end--the end near her tummy--covered with a hood of skin), and make gentle, slow, upward strokes around the clitoris, not on it. Use the flat of your tongue, not the tip. 

Keep your tongue relaxed; it'll feel better for her, and you won't get so tired. Make slow circles around the circumference and combine this with an up-and-down, lapping motion. Let as much of your tongue make contact so you cover the largest area possible. Practice on your own palm and see which movements feel most efficient. If you see her clitoris shrinking or retracting back under the hood of skin, you're being too rough.

**Adding hands to caress the thighs and waist are always a plus. 

All in all, it's been a lonely couple of nights and I highly anticipate the touch and warmth of hands that are far too kind to grace my skin. 

R.I.P. Cheese Sandwiching You

I just remembered this time in San Diego, California when I was attempting to be cute and graceful to impress a boy. I jumped onto the bed, ever so slight & petite... expecting to land on my feet and maybe do a twirl to my knees, therefore enticing him to ravage me. Only, it was anything but graceful or slight. It was quite a mess actually. A hilarious mess. 

So, my one foot doesn't clear the mattress and I clumsily face planted myself to the sheets! HA! It all happened so fast, that all we both could do was recover. He couldn't hold back the laughter as he tried to cover the smile on his lips with his hands. I, on the other hand, cowered in a ball on the corner of the bed. ::sigh:: 

What a memory. I like that I can simply go back to it anytime I choose. Enjoying the pain of a memory... one of those morbid things I guess. You feel happy that you experienced such a moment in time and yet, so empty because it's gone. Leaving you left with nostalgia. And what a confusing emotion in itself, isn't it? When I get nostalgic my face looks like I'm trying to do a math problem that I almost have solved. I guess because in a sense, it is. And I did almost have it solved. Sometimes people just miss out on each other. Ain't that the truth. But it doesn't always end there. Just as good as all those great moments were before, they CAN be duplicated, multiplied and improved! Life, much like an instrument  or anything else, takes much practice and fine tuning.  

This particular post is dedicated to someone very special and close to my heart. It use to belong to him. We've both gone separate ways over the years and I wanted him to know that I'm extremely proud of him and wish nothing but the best on his long journey to the middle. Try to keep those feet warm on the big day and don't fuck your marriage up! LOL I should talk...

 Whatever-the-case, you were favorite mistake. I'll always hold you close.

I'm leaving you. I'm not sure if that's what I should do. It hurts so bad. I'm wanting you but can't go back. Trying to find, that all elusive piece of mind. Stuck here somehow. Shrouded beneath my fear and doubt. And I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world it seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest, above my heart, to remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. Everything is effortless, you know it's true. My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You are like the raindrops falling down on me.

You left a mark. (Left a mark)

She left a mark. (He left)

She left. (He left)

She left a mark.

And I don't. (And I don't)

Need it. (Need it)

colbie caillat-droplets