R.I.P. Cheese Sandwiching You

I just remembered this time in San Diego, California when I was attempting to be cute and graceful to impress a boy. I jumped onto the bed, ever so slight & petite... expecting to land on my feet and maybe do a twirl to my knees, therefore enticing him to ravage me. Only, it was anything but graceful or slight. It was quite a mess actually. A hilarious mess. 

So, my one foot doesn't clear the mattress and I clumsily face planted myself to the sheets! HA! It all happened so fast, that all we both could do was recover. He couldn't hold back the laughter as he tried to cover the smile on his lips with his hands. I, on the other hand, cowered in a ball on the corner of the bed. ::sigh:: 

What a memory. I like that I can simply go back to it anytime I choose. Enjoying the pain of a memory... one of those morbid things I guess. You feel happy that you experienced such a moment in time and yet, so empty because it's gone. Leaving you left with nostalgia. And what a confusing emotion in itself, isn't it? When I get nostalgic my face looks like I'm trying to do a math problem that I almost have solved. I guess because in a sense, it is. And I did almost have it solved. Sometimes people just miss out on each other. Ain't that the truth. But it doesn't always end there. Just as good as all those great moments were before, they CAN be duplicated, multiplied and improved! Life, much like an instrument  or anything else, takes much practice and fine tuning.  

This particular post is dedicated to someone very special and close to my heart. It use to belong to him. We've both gone separate ways over the years and I wanted him to know that I'm extremely proud of him and wish nothing but the best on his long journey to the middle. Try to keep those feet warm on the big day and don't fuck your marriage up! LOL I should talk...

 Whatever-the-case, you were favorite mistake. I'll always hold you close.

I'm leaving you. I'm not sure if that's what I should do. It hurts so bad. I'm wanting you but can't go back. Trying to find, that all elusive piece of mind. Stuck here somehow. Shrouded beneath my fear and doubt. And I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world it seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest, above my heart, to remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. Everything is effortless, you know it's true. My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it.

Cause I'm walking down this road alone & figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. And my head is in a cloud of rain & the world seems so far away & I'm just waiting for the droplets.

You are like the raindrops falling down on me.

You left a mark. (Left a mark)

She left a mark. (He left)

She left. (He left)

She left a mark.

And I don't. (And I don't)

Need it. (Need it)

colbie caillat-droplets

Sick. <3

Six a.m. and I haven't even attempted to close my eyes tonight. I've been somewhat glued to this computer screen and these keys. Brainstorming plots and jotting down quick story lines for future projects. I've been on a roll too! It's nice to know I have something creative in the ole' noggin. It's kinda crazy, considering that I've fallen back into my old ways of artistic explosion, insomnia and sexual frustration. As if I were sixteen all over again. Go figure.

I added a soundtrack to my evening. It's kept me fueled and excited for possibilities ahead. Maybe even too excited. I get beside myself with thoughts that carry me away into a place that may not necessarily be safe for my thoughts to wander..(just yet). It's okay to be confused by the last sentence, I'm still not entirely sure it made sense. lol Forgive me, I've been up for about eighteen hours.  And remarkably still not even one desire for slumber. 

It's times like these, when I wish I drove. I'd take a nice ride to Kelly Drive or Manyunk. Just to fucking drive. See the city lights, crack the windows a bit to get a whiff of the crisp outside air. Maybe watch the sun come up, grab breakfast at a food cart and eat it at LOVE Park while I

people watch. 

You know, it's funny how things in life don't tend to work out... and then again, it's even funnier how they do..

I never thought I'd be able to feel so whole heartedly so quickly, but it seems to have shifted that way. And there's not one part of me that minds, one bit. 

If you're feeling up to it, download Acceptance's song "So Contagious", it's great and it happens to be exactly how I feel. If you're bitter and cynical, don't bother---it may induce vomiting.

Idiot Savant

What is this winter blues running through my veins? Mixed with crazy anticipation and happiness?? If only I knew what it all meant and where things were going....

If only, I had a clue. Or a life compass to simply point me in the right direction. No, that's not wishful thinking or asking for a lot at all. 

With the year coming to a close, I can't help but focus on the beginning of this year and all the years that preceded it. And each year begins and ends the same; the hope for a better year. And each year takes me on a roller coaster of emotions and experiences. Each one, getting a little better. Even if it doesn't necessarily top the one before it. Just because I change a little. The transformation of yourself is incredible and the fact that you can go to that place in your mind, where there's a rolodex of memories of the way you were...

Simply astounding. 

So as each year passes and you feel yourself almost shift into another person that's an elevated version of your old you, you tend to think of the first you. 

The you that liked Tonka Trucks and Creepy Crawlers, or Lite Bright and Barbies.  I think about how different each me was. Then think about the similarities and that's where I always smile.---->

Cause we're not completely different. Those "old you's" I mean. Cause there's definitely still a part of me that loves the shit out of Creepy Crawlers and Lite Bright! I mean, I still play Hide & Go Seek with my friends, fuck! ha.

Whatever-the-case, my point is that I hope my resolutions for the upcoming New Year aren't filled with empty aspirations and fluff. Every fucking December I going on and on about how I'm gonna do better and be better. And every year I fall behind, just living in the moment without conscience thought of the future. 

Idiot Savant is what I am. Me and all my friends. I've never known of such an amazing group of people, with so much potential & creativity, have absolutely no motivation. It's actually very interesting how I can acknowledge this, and yet still do nothing about changing it. Nah, that's not interesting, that's just stupid. 

So yet again, as I uncork my chilled Sauvignon Blanc, I am hereby making my New Year's Resolution for 2009 to get my shit together! I'm gonna attend Walnut St. Theatre acting course, I'm gonna finally get my driver's license, I'm gonna.... (takes sip &  quickly thinks) ...finish a shitload of sketches & skits and maybe even submit a feature length into a local contest. Who knows. haha! Yeeeahh. I'm shooting for the stars next year....

..I just hope my rocket can make it.

Word Shambles

And once again, as the night slowly drifts into dawn, I find myself up and unable to rest. Too many thoughts to keep track of or even attempt to put on paper. They say you find true enlightenment on nights like these. I agree.
As my fingers shiver across these keys, I contemplate making a cup of hot chocolate. The simple thought brings a smile to my lips. The taste, the warmth, its all an amazing part of winter.

It's funny how the death of summer makes everyone so introspective. I suppose it's due to the closing out of the year. And in the end of something, you tend to think about the beginning. You reflect and grow from your experiences. (Hopefully learning from them.) The fun part comes when you can start planning for the upcoming year. Making choices 

where to spend your time and with whom. Going over all the possibilities and chances you'll have to make new memories. It's all very exciting. And then of course, your mind travels back to the past and to the other side of this year. If you can look back and smile with contention, then you did alright. And if not, you'll get a second chance--so don't go and fuck it up.


---and then the power went out---

That was the beginning of last nights article. So this entry is a two parter. Continuing on...

It's hard to pick up on the energy I had last night, seeing as how today was a huge lazy day for me. I bounced from room to room , simply lounging. Different chairs, couches, patterns and laying positions.  Actually the only thing I successfully did today was my work out routine. That was the high point of my day. Well, with one exception.

A call from an old friend forced me to skip my mid-morning cat nap and trade it in for conversation. Which I didn't mind one bit. It had already been weeks since we last spoke and I always have time in my life for people that mean the world to me.

Ugh, I can see where this entry is headed and I'm not feeling it really. So before I go off on some ramble about the most random things of my day, I'll just cut it short and return when my thoughts are fresh and connected.

New Breed

As my excitement to attend an actual fighting event grew and grew the closer we approached the arena, I found myself filled with all these strange emotions. Happiness, freedom, nostalgia and full fledged giddiness. All strangers to me. It's weird.
But as I enjoy being overwhelmed with optimism, I didn't fight the feeling of being carried away. So as a flowing stream drains, I went along with very single vibration I felt. And it did not lead me astray.


Watching someone you know being punched in the face is quite a feeling. Having your favorite boxer and routing for someone you look up to is one thing. But someone you interact with, that you think is a stand up guy--you don't want to see them being threatened or attacked. That's like, a total.. other... thing. I wanted to crawl into the ring and strangle the guy myself. And as the adrenaline pumps and the hopes get higher, you find yourself more and more territorial of the person in your favor.

So when that person wins... that is quite another feeling. And it just takes you higher. Much higher... it IS pure happiness. All of the happy cells multiply in your head and you're naturally high.

Naturally...






::sigh:: Yeah, I like that a lot. :) A whole lot!





I feel like I slept with a hanger in my mouth....

Green Light

Whooo. Has it been a while? Certainly. So let's just dive right in, shall we? Opening bar at The Raven Lounge last night was an incredible experience that I'll store in my memory. All the trendy boys and girls mixing it up with each other. My drinks helping in the process. Taking it all in, as I observed the melting pot of Friday nights, I realized that I could get use to this. The power of owning bar.... ahh. Maybe not too impressive for some, but I loved it.




I've been realizing a lot of things lately that isn't necessarily surprising or shocking. About myself I mean. And other people I suppose. It's funny how life's cycle just goes around and around. History repeating itself is an understatement. ::snickers::
It's great though. I've been spending a lot of time with a bunch of old friends and there's been all of us together at one place. It feels really awesome and cures my nostalgia craving. I only hope to have moments like that a thousand times over.

Words can't express how empty and full I feel all at the same time. Quite inadequate actually. But I have reason to believe it's going in a good direction. Positive vibes all on that side. Its like the Beach Boys song, "Good Vibrations".

....and that's all I have to say about that.

Growing Hymen

Sex... kind of a big deal. I wish I was having some.