I Was In Over My Head

There was a crisp chill in the air at dawn. I awoke with anticipation for a call that never came. Five days in. 

I reluctantly get out of bed to view a blustery wind, filled with flakes of white. This is gonna be fun to go to work in. (Clearly sarcasm) 

As I walked through the streets dusted in a powdery glow, my ears tensed up with severe rigor mortis and no head phones to distract my thoughts. My day is sucking already. 

I make an early bus to see a friend at work with kind words to build my ego back up. It helps a little, but ultimately there is some slight damage still remaining. 

The smell of food is in the air and there is laughter and chatting all around me. I watch as all the people eat and sit, correct their children and pretend to listen to colleagues. I grit and observe all the plastic smiles--Man I am really bitter today. All I can seem to focus on is the little speck on any particular object in sight. Allowing myself to fall into daydreams at a rapid pace. Dreams that no longer belong to me. And whaddaya know, my table is FINALLY ready to order! 

I work a good two tables worth and head home. A humiliating ride, with my eyes leaking and

voice cracking. A good friend, with a lending ear gave comfort to a situation that has no closure. And at home, I lay in darkness with what feels like a hole in my chest and I fall asleep... it always stings like the first time doesn't it?

BUT ALAS!!! 

Dusk crept and "Looking forward to going.." became, "I'm gonna pee my pants, we're here!" After a great taste buds experience at Maoz and a tee-tee break @ Starbucks, we lurked the streets of downtown Philadelphia for a ticket for yours truly. I come across a scalper out of stock and move onto another gentleman that claims he holds the key to my enjoyment tonight. I follow him around the corner, or two... or maybe it was three--all the while suspecting Why the fuck am I walking with him?-- he runs off to "get the tickets" and just keeps on running. In a nutshell, he fucked me in my ass with a sandpaper condom. $55 just shoved right up my ass! With disappointment and complete, "My week can't get any worse", my friends and I part ways all to meet up again very shortly. !!!! The out of stock scalper from before STOCKED UP! With my very last $30, haggling and proof of honesty... and well, the submission of my favorite piece of jewelry the ticket was mine.

I enter the venue, find my friends, down a Jack & Coke and release myself to the sound of an instrumental orgy. Discovering new music is so refreshing. Even more so when the words apply to you right, then and there. Very touching and soothing in a sense. My mind drifts back to the boy and forward to the recovery process. This is gonna be a long night. The Fray takes the stage and my mind adjusts to the sound of perfection. Chords in line with vocal harmony, such an amazing sound--followed by an amazing rush. Hundreds of people, all singing the same words. All singing the same tune, all in the same place at the same time. Very satisfying for myself.

And then... home comes. Inside I feel like I'm screaming and outside I have to wear this face of contentment. When all I really am is devastated... The idea of being worth less than an explanation is devastating, so.... there's that. I really feel as if there aren't any words to express. And that's honestly it, I have no words. Ha! And words are my life. Speechless yet again, and yet---why does it feel so familiar? I guess being fooled never really gets old. There's always someone, somewhere eventually in your present to future existance that will always let you down or get over on you in some way. And each time you feel like a child. Like you got gotten. Because after all, that is what it is.

I just wish I got gotten in the good way...

..if only.